Realization and rants

I did not give up on love. What I gave up is the mere idea that love will going to be easy for me.  This “halaman mode” (the state where your guards are all up to any form of romantic feelings) that I’m currently in is naturally comforting. I'm sure my 16-years-old angsty self is not the one doing the talking because after taking time to self-reflect, it somewhat dawned on me what really consist of my being. I’m not saying that I’m underestimating love’s immanent capability of making two different paths collide in the most unexpected way. I mean, you can meet your significant other in a train ride on one Tuesday afternoon or maybe, accidentally picking up the same piece of raw meat in an eat-all-you-can buffet restaurant (while there's imaginary bokeh in the background). I’m not refusing to acknowledge the possibility of these spur of the moment romances would not lead to sharing a pancake on a plate while wearing their underwear ten years later. But I’ve planted a seed of realistic judgment that love will not give that moment to me. Aside from the fact that I’m a grumpy stranger you would encounter with on a morning rush, I consider myself being the last person who is a possible protagonist in a setting like that. This explains why I’m not interested in seeing someone new right now no matter how my friends try to brand that person. I just know that deep down inside, opening up doors for a guy is not the perfect time. Honestly, I’m not asking for too much. I’m not looking for someone who can tick every little thing on the #relationshipgoals. What I just want is someone to spend my lifetime with and I know it will take matter of time and experiences--which I don’t think is possible right now--to see a man's potential for that. Maybe, I’m destined to meet my other half through a common friend or being in the same workplace. It may be typical, predictable and not the story that Nicholas Sparks avid readers would look upon with eyes gleaming with admiration, but I know when that time comes, I’m beyond grateful with that and as our love grows, it will have its unique DNA that will make it breathtaking and magical in the most extraordinary way, at least in my point of view. But right now, I'm more than contented staying 24/7 in the sun (but for Pete's sake, not literally, especially during this humid season of the year) and bearing my own wonders, my own fruits.

People come and go and that is okay. This is not only about wrecked relationships or messed up friendships but the totality of losing a person in your life. After all the hang-ups and sudden vanishing I’ve witnessed in my naked eyes, I no longer have the energy to chase after a person who decided to just shut me off in  their life. It’s not that our ties did not mean anything to me but I’ve learned that you cannot control or dictate for how long someone would like to celebrate life with you. So while you’re still exchanging laughters and giggles, taking the most wackiest selfies or talking about just plainly anything, just seize the moment because you can’t really pinpoint who is gonna stay and who is gonna leave. Even if we don’t want it, we just have to be prepared on life’s surprises. I bet the four members of One Direction would agree with me on this. It may seem like a hard thing to do especially if that person have contributed a big part in your life but we'll be fine eventually. Fake it 'til you make it.

Just because you do not vibrate the same frequency with some people does not mean they are not worth-keeping in your life. I’ll stop being hypocrite here. I’ve been introduced to a lot of  people who, surprisingly, went on with second, third, fourth meeting until a mutual friendship has surfaced. But after months and years of spending time with some of these people, I got to know who they really are--which I have to admit, often end up disappointing me. Thus, I tried to filter them thoroughly until it boiled down to a handful of friends. If I learned that you never liked Ed Sheeran, I'd drop you out. If I learned that you have a faulty grammar (I’m sorry. I'm not looking for someone like Shakespeare but some really awful grammar make me nauseated), I'd bid you goodbye. You may roll your eyes upon finishing the last two sentences but it came with a series of inconsistencies which let me into deciding to cross them out from the list of people I share a portion of my life with.  In short, I was looking for someone who was like an all package for me--someone who I share the same wavelength with. During my free time, I find myself sitting alone in a coffee shop. The solitude keeps me at peace because at least I’m not with someone who shares stories that I perpetually has no interest listening to. But I realized  lately that people are like seasons. You cannot force the summer to be paired with with snowballs but you can appreciate it when you're out in the sun and getting your tan on. You can’t expect the winter to mandate you into putting your favorite beach-ready Victoria's Secret bikini in the most frequently used space in your closet but you sure as hell it can make you hypnotize into a long power-charging nap. The point is, everyone has strengths and weaknesses. Everyone has a weak skill in playing a certain life category. Instead of cutting people off,  you should learn to acknowledge who they really are. It is not their fault that they cannot be as smart, witty, broad-minded, creative and whatever the fuck you want to label yourself that will make you consider you are not on their level  as you think you are. It is not their fault. You must be able to look past to that and see the good side of them. Haven't you realized that these people will need you and even though you don't sense it today, you may also need their helping hand later? So from now on, as long as they are the kind people who have been true to you, embrace them with open arms.

Learn the difference between  coincidence and destiny, and small world and soulmate. If I were to be honest with you, I once used Tinder and accidentally matched with a guy whose mother happened to be my mom’s closest former officemate. We never realized it until I dropped my unique surname in our conversation. Heck, you can just imagine the exchange of dumbfounded reactions after that. Being who I really am as a person, I stared to overanalyze every detail of the story. First, he was also the same guy that my mom and her mother mutually agreed in an unwritten contract which stated that I and this guy will tie the knot someday.  Okay, maybe I was exaggerating with the last line but they were dead serious about making the two of us crossing on the same path.  I just can recall my mom saying, “Maybe after two years”. And just like the cliche next scene, two years later and here we are. To make the scenario even more freakishly jaw-dropping, we have been to the same different places without us a couple of times without us mindfully acknowledging the existence of the other. It sent weird signals in my system that even my friends were telling me that it was destiny or some sort. I admit, I was nearly convinced that maybe, the universe collided us to meet this time, in a technologically-advanced way. But then when I tried to step backward and see the bigger picture, he was just a guy who loves to play around on Tinder and it just happened that we are mutually connected to each other. Before anything else, I would like to defend myself by saying that no late night drinking, drunk texting and raging tweets that followed after that snap of reality. It occurred to me that I was caught up with the idea of destiny. Too often, we romanticize the idea of coincidence up to the extent that we tend to mistaken it as destiny. Don't hold dearly to the thought of how fairytale-like the setting your love story is because it is not about "how we met" but "how we try to work things out".

Respect yourself enough to know the difference between “staying friends with an ex” and “letting negative people in your life again”. Love gurus, chic lit novels and even lifestyle magazines have somehow imposed to us that being friends with an ex is one of the most mature thing to do after the flame the two of you once shared has died. Furthermore, it also one way of acknowledging the times you have been through. After all, he has been a part of your happiness. Whenever I try to mull it over, it left me questioning if I was being a bitter ex girlfriend who chose to “ignore” or seenzone when an ex tried to reach out on me, dragging his ass down how sorry he was of how he put into an end of our relationship. The truth is, I already forgave him even before he was sorry. But having cleared my eyes, the connection we had was not worth saving at all. Why? Because on the course of our relationship, it never felt like something that made me grow into a person, something that would inspire me to do better in my life.  It was a mentally torturing one because the love, care and support were only one-sided. I was there when he needed someone to tell him that he was worth of receiving love, I was there when he needed someone to prove that his charms, no matter how he belittles himself, still works on someone like me. I was there when he needed someone to stroke his ego. I could put it into a long list but let’s not get into that. In short, It never felt like a woman and man in love, but more like a baby and babysitter pairing up. If the guy that you used to date did not even give you the slightest amount of right treatment during your relationship, then how can you expect him to offer you a genuine friendship? There’s a difference between being bitter and gaining self-respect.